My Return

If you are reading this, you may ask why the return to BlogSpot (which is now Blogger and has been taken over by Google like everything else in the world, it's been that long). The answer is (which can also be found in my other posts) that I return to writing (journaling and blogging) during times of change. I think I find it to be a coping mechanism, especially when I am in a new situation or find myself in a season of change. Which is exactly where I find myself now: 2018. It's a new year. New year, new me, right?

Actually, no. It's a new year, but same me. Same shit, different day. Either way, I'm back bitches. Let's see what 2018 has to offer.

But first, let's do a quick recap of 2017, so you know where we're at.

2017

April - Relationship (AKA 5 year shithole) ended
April - Moved
May- Joined Tinder, Soul Swipe, Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel
May - Cozumel, Mexico
June - Joined OkCupid
July - Australia, New Zealand, Hawaii
August - Joined AfriDate
Oct - Promotion
Oct - Dec - Lived in FL
Nov - Accepted into The League (only after being on the waitlist for 2 months)

2018

Jan - Joined Hinge

Deeper Meaning?

I woke up with a headache that was out of this world.. Wondering why my dreams have been getting stranger and stranger. Stress maybe? Who knows? Either way, I've never had a dream as strange as this (that I can recall). Let me share.. Maybe you can give me your input on it.

It all started with returning from a road-trip to Richmond with my family. My mom was driving, like she always does. All of a sudden the sky started to darken, a powerful chill was sent through the air. Nothing was thought of it though as the radio was turned up & the conversations continued. Laughing, joking, the usual interactions between family members. As we continued on our journey home, the wind started to pick up."I didn't know there was supposed to be a bad storm today," my mom questioned. Shoulders shrugged the topic was once again ignored.

This was a draft from March 2, 2011.

I don't recall this dream. I wish I had continued the story. As of lately, I don't have dreams as much or as vividly as I used to. The same goes for the frequency of my headaches. I think my teenage years were some tough times. The constraints that I lived under really put pressure on me and they led to physical repercussions in my opinion. Moral of the story: I won't be putting shackles or undue stress on my children, if I have any.

Summa, Summa, Summatime

This summer has been one for the books. Did I go on some great vacation? No. What did I do? I spent the whole summer in my new, apartment. Spending time with my boyfriend and having so much from. From concerts to sports matches...

This was an old, draft from 2014. Oh, how young and naïve I was. How I thought things were perfect, when in reality I was just living a lie. Looking back at these posts, I wish I had gone with my gut feeling. I wish I had listened to the alarms going off in my head, paid attention to the red flags that continued to pop up.

I didn't though. I stayed, until it all came crashing down. Tears, anger, hatred, hurt. These are all just lessons learned though. 9 months later, I'm a better person now. More mature, more perceiving, maybe a little less vulnerable. It's how things are so clear in retrospect. To this day, scenarios pop into my head that I now can comprehend, ever so clearly.

What I don't understand is how someone can continue to lie and deceive day after day, month after month, year after year. Doesn't that get tiring? How do you keep up with all of the lies? How do you find the time to entertain so many people? How can you continue to keep a façade up for your closest of family and friends? Who is the real you?

Fast forward to today--- here I am, January 15. 2018. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. 24. Single. World traveler. Young Professional. Attractive. Smart. Funny. Looks like I can do bad all myself, huh?

This is true. However, as crappy as the relationship boiled down to being, I miss having that one confidant that you can tell anything to. I miss having that default +1. I miss having that person who knows all there is to know about you.

Will I find this person again? Only time will tell.

Motivation

Why is it that whenever we are upset or someone hurts us, we are not motivated to do anything? We don't want to get out of bed. We just want to lay around and watch Netflix all day? We just leave the house to get fast food and repeat. How is it that the actions of others have such an influence on how we feel? How do we make it stop? Why are so attached?

You and I

Are you happy? Are you not? Do you want me? Do you not? Are you honest? Do you lie? I want you, almost need you but I don't like it that way. I want to be able to keep you off my mind like you do me, but I can't. I try. It does not work. I want to keep you off my mind. I don't want to be jealous, but I am. Your interest in other girls kill me, my heart is so fragile. It doesn't seem like you care, even when you say you do. Is time apart what we need? It's been three years and counting. I don't want to push you away but I don't know what else to do. Everyday I think about you. Do you feel the same way? What's the next step? Do you see a future?

Body Art

I am thinking of getting a tattoo. Maybe today, maybe not. A certain someone who I'm in a relationship with says that I need to learn to be more happy. I thought that I was a happy person, but this person would beg to differ. After some soul searching, I think they may be right. That's why I was thinking of getting a tattoo with the word "Happiness." To remind myself of what I need to strive for each day. Where would I get it? My wrist or maybe my ankle?

"The Entitled Generation"

In my short lifetime of 21 years, I have overcome a lot of of odds.
I am African American.
I am a female.
I am from a low-income household, who was effected terribly by the recession.
I am from a single-parent family with an absent father.
I put myself through school working up to 3 jobs at one time.
I am college educated.
I have a full time job
And finally, I am 100% financially independent.
I have done all of this on my own and have asked no one for anything.
I don't feel that anyone owes me anything and have worked hard for all I had.

For a woman in my Master's level to claim that everyone in my generation believes that they are entitled is an insult. Our generation is full of some great people. The negative attitudes of a few interns or entry-level workers should not influence a person's perception of a whole generation. I would think that a professional in a class for those that are, inspire to be, or have been human resource managers. I guess some people, no matter how educated they are, don't see all side of a situation. They want to think what they want to think. They want to downplay and believe the worst in other people. The fact is just so sad.